Co-Dependency is Common

The term codependency has such a negative connotation, I’ve found. Traditionally, codependency has been viewed as an uneven dynamic between two individuals, one being more of the “giver” and one being the “taker”. This terminology can be closely associated with addiction and becoming a “co-addict” when enabling an addicted person. When used in a therapy setting, I prefer to broaden codependency to its face-value definition: “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on another person or partner”. This can apply to a wide variety of individuals and couples.

“But their bad mood affects mine.”

“How could it not bother me when I walk in from work and she’s pissed off?” Fair enough. I often hear variations of this, and my counter-question to those individuals is typically “to what extent?”. To what extent is it reasonable that we are bothered when the people we care about are in distress, and to what extent are we taking something on that’s really not our burden to bear?

Striving for a healthy middle ground can be so difficult in a relationship, and so many of us struggle to find a balance. It’s important we remind ourselves of what we are individually responsible for, and leave the rest for the other person to manage. This can require consistent mindfulness and repetition to remind ourselves not to become too focused on “fixing” the way our partners feel.

People-Pleasing

People-pleasing is categorized as “speaking and behaving to accommodate the emotional needs of others, typically to the detriment of your own needs”, a common tendency for those who exhibit codependency. This is primarily due to the fact that many of these individuals may have low self-esteem and/or history that predisposes them to lack personal boundaries and convictions. 

If you’ve found yourself consistently apologizing, seeking approval, or saying phrases like “it’s not a big deal, they were just kidding”, “they’ll be mad if I say no”, or “I can make time for me later”, you may struggle with people-pleasing. The best way to combat people-pleasing is to practice saying “no” on the small things and, in turn, begin to recognize that the world won’t end by disappointing someone. Boundary-setting is not rude or mean, it’s necessary to avoid getting caught in an unhealthy codependent cycle.

Simpson, J. A. (1991). Codependency. In The Oxford English dictionary. Oxford: Clarendon Press.