Couples Therapy FAQs

“He won’t come to couples’ therapy with me. What’s the point in me Coming Alone?”

I hear versions of this quite a bit from new clients, and it can really be a shame. I observe that people are often deterred from trying individual therapy when they identify their main stressor to be their relationship. While that may be highly apparent on the surface, relationships are our mirrors and a large place we work out our individual emotional issues. Just because your partner is currently apprehensive about trying couples’ therapy does not mean all hope is lost.

You are Half of the Relationship

I can almost guarantee that progress can still be made in any relationship where even just one partner is willing to work on themselves. As previously stated, we work out a lot of our own individual issues within our relationships. It’s a huge part of what makes them so messy and emotional at times. Being able to identify your own role in the relationship dynamic and work on the motivation and history behind those actions can help tremendously. I always like to point out as well that the other person’s unwillingness to reciprocate the effort becomes more apparent when their partner is becoming healthier.

Walk the Walk

Monkey see, monkey do, right? Maybe your partner will follow suit at some point if they’re seeing the therapeutic process helping you. Curiosity can begin to build at very least about what they’re missing out on in the conversations happening in these sessions. If you show through your own actions that you’re not letting up on this “therapy thing”—it’s not just a phase or something you’re going to forget—you are showing them more than you’re telling them. Which I find to be a lot more convincing, generally speaking.

Strengthening your Own Identity

If worse comes to worse and your relationship isn’t improving through your individual therapy, this is not necessarily in vain. You may find individual strength, confidence, and motivation that you had lost touch with along the way in your life. Sometimes therapy can make things harder before they get easier. This can start to take the form of potentially outgrowing an unhealthy relationship. As difficult (seemingly impossible) as it may seem to walk away from a comfortable relationship, it becomes equally as difficult attempting to strong arm your way through something alone. Sometimes their unwillingness to make the decision to join you in the work on the relationship is the decision.

“I really don’t know if I want to be in this relationship anymore. I just want to know that we tried everything we could.”

I hear different versions of this statement from a new client at least once a month. It can pose a challenge, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be a death-sentence to the relationship.

Checking the Box

I like to call a spade a spade, and I often consider couples who come in with this type of mindset to be “checking a box”, or ensuring that they did everything the “right” way before fully arriving at a conclusion. This happens, I find, even when someone may already have already reached it in their own mind. I am of the belief that this is not an inherently negative thing, but rather something to be acknowledged in order to move forward in the therapeutic process. Bringing this up relatively early on in the process lets both parties know that staying on the fence won’t be a long-term option.

Getting On The Same Page

Without a common goal, being in therapy as a couple doesn’t make a ton of sense. In my own therapy, I ensure we are working toward a common goal fairly early on in the therapeutic process. After I am finished with the initial background assessments of the clients and their relationship, I will begin to explore goals. These may include working toward divorce or separation or working toward reconciliation. When the couple doesn’t seem aligned, I may have a variation of the same conversation multiple times to allow all outcomes to be explored by both partners. 

The Role Of Therapy

Therapy can provide a variety of different roles in a scenario like this. I always recommend both parties are ready to begin working toward whatever “same page” the relationship is headed. Sometimes, this does end up being reconciliation, sometimes we simply have a few sessions to wrap up loose ends or to set a plan for separation or divorce. 

On occasion, I will have one client who’s ready to start co-parenting counseling. In these instances, I typically recommend taking a beat for the other partner to “catch up” so to speak. I have seen co-parenting sessions be worthwhile when both partners are ready to accept the end of the relationship and move forward. This can be rather emotionally difficult work unless the couple has moved into a more business-like relationship.

“We never have sex anymore—I’d say it’s really the only problem in our relationship.”

Maintaining a passionate marriage can be tricky over time. That being said, this “spice” is what sets romantic relationships apart from friendships. The common problem I see in clients’ attempts to combat the loss of passion, is focusing solely on having sex more. This can lead to frustration on both sides. First, try to place emphasis on these four areas:

Touch

Do you cuddle, kiss, hold hands, or touch outside of the bedroom? This is the very first question I ask clients who say they are feeling a level of dissatisfaction in their sexual relationship. I am often surprised (or maybe not, depending on how you look at it) at how frequently people awkwardly look at each other and say “not really”. How can it become an expectation that sex would happen between two individuals who aren’t even in comfortable proximity with each other? Couples who interact physically outside of the bedroom are way more likely to set themselves up for an active sex life.

date

Are you spending time together as a couple? I think especially for those with young kids, it’s easy to let romantic time become trumped by family time. Both are important, of course! But it can be pretty difficult to have sex with someone you aren’t spending any one-on-one time with. I encourage regular date nights to any and all clients, but especially those who are struggling to connect romantically.

Know Your Love Languages

This is a super quick and simple way to find something very important out about each other. We are all different and therefore give and receive affection in different ways. If one of you is trying to show affection physically to someone who doesn’t receive love in that way, you may end up pretty disappointed if the expectation is that will lead to sex. Showing your partner love in the way they read love will lead to a lot more fluid give and take of physical affection.

Alone Time

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If that’s the case, you can’t be around each other 24/7 and expect much urgency in spending intimate time together. Taking some individual time as well as having separate interests and social lives can increase the excitement for the time you do get together as a couple.

“I feel like I’m doing everything lately. He should know what needs to be done—I shouldn’t have to ask.”

“I can never do anything right. I feel like she only wants to criticize and change me.”

I often hear this from clients who have become resentful and resistant to feedback from their partners. One partner tends to be the driver, and the other tends to take a more passive role in a dynamic like this. Both parties become resentful of being “stuck” in these roles, but somehow seem to dig their heels in stubbornly, refusing to come to a middle place. What do we do about this?

Finding BAlance

The reality is that neither party is completely “right” nor completely “wrong”.  We all have our own boundaries and expectations in a relationship. Sharing the mental load and responsibilities of running a life and household is an important aspect of partnership, but this can’t be entirely to the standard of one person. The breakdown in communication comes when it seems to be the same person acting as the “director” and the same person acting as the “directed” more often than not. 

If both partners take baby steps toward the other in compromise, communication can be rebuilt. I have seen couples have a great deal of success when they establish different roles so that each person can oversee their own responsibilities without external influence or management.

Is there a healthy amount of change?

I like the concept that our partners should help encourage us to grow as people, but that does not mean a one-sided or controlled dynamic.  Rather, I’d prefer to look at is as two people encouraging each other to play to their strengths and improve upon weak areas in a constructive manner. Set aside time to discuss and identify these topics in a non-defensive, open conversation.

How Much Is Too Much?

Playing Devil’s advocate a bit—we’ve all heard the sentiment that “someone who loves you won’t try to change you”. It is important to recognize who the person you chose was from the day you met them. I have seen many aspects of personality remain in-tact throughout an entire lifetime. It doesn’t make much sense that we’d expect our partners to do a total 180°;  we should remember why we chose each other in the first place and celebrate our different strengths.

“I don’t even know where to set my standards anymore. All anyone ever says is ‘marriage is hard’, but how hard is it supposed to be? How much is too much to expect? How much is too much to put up with?”

I hear variations of this from my clients all the time, both married and unmarried; dating and single. So what’s the answer?

No Two Relationships Are The Same

I believe people mean well when they give advice, but it can be confusing to receive mixed messages and input from outside sources. It’s confusing and inconsistent because absolutely no two relationships are going to look the same. Just like every individual person is different, so is each and every relationship. Comparison is the thief of joy, so looking to others is ultimately not going to give you the true answers.

As a marriage therapist, I certainly see trends and general themes in dynamics. That being said, I’m constantly telling people that ultimately nobody—including me, can fully know and see everything about a relationship, except the two people in it. When someone is speaking on their personal experience, it’s important to take it with a grain of salt, even if it’s someone you look up to.

Trusting Your Instincts

This can be so incredibly difficult to do, but If in your gut it seems like “too much” to you, maybe listen to that feeling. Do you find yourself frequently thinking “am I expecting too much from my partner…?” Maybe take a second to look inward and ask yourself what you could proactively do to improve your relationship instead. Watch and see if there’s a change! On the flip side, do you find yourself frequently thinking “am I putting up with too much here…?” I’d suggest taking inventory of your absolute “must haves” and absolute deal-breakers in a relationship. Are you repeatedly forgoing your own boundaries in order to keep the peace? Only you truly have those answers.

Turning Inward

At the end of the day, the answers to these questions mean virtually nothing if you don’t have the energy to do anything about it. Focusing on meeting your own personal needs and creating a life that is satisfying to you will help you know where to “place your bar”, so to speak. That’s in terms of all aspects of life, not just romantic relationships.